Sex is like an orchid

I have this amazing purple orchid in my kitchen.  Someone gave it to me years ago, and I keep watering it and moving it to the place with the right amount of light.  I have read about how to repot it, and what to do with those weird root tendril things.  Apparently orchids like to be a little smooshed in their pots, unlike other plants who like their roots to roam around in large pots.  Every so often, if I do everything right, my orchid blooms, with 10 glorious white and purple flowers on a single stem.  But there have also been years that have passed by without a single bloom.

Sex is like a delicate orchid.  If tended properly, it brings rare, precious, exuberant beauty.  But if any part of its care is neglected, it just doesn’t work.  And often what it needs are not the things you expect.

What my patients say about sex

Many patients talk with me about problems in their sex lives.  Many things can go wrong with sex, including:

• Erectile dysfunction
• Premature ejaculation
• Vaginal or vulvar pain
• Infections
• Chronic diseases
• Mental health struggles

Any of these problems can interfere with people’s ability to have sex or enjoy sex. The good news is that all of these conditions have highly effective treatments! The Healing Grove team would love to work with you to experience the best possible sex with your partner or spouse!

Committment

The best sex happens between highly committed people.  If you know that you will stay together no matter what, there is no pressure.  Nobody has to perform.  You can actually talk about embarrassing things and be vulnerable together.  If you are able to be emotionally intimate, then you will be better at being physically intimate as well.  Marriage is the traditional way to seal a relationship in a promise, which can give both parties the freedom to know that they will stay together regardless of what happens.

Generous Sex

The best sex is generous sex.  Each partner should be thinking, “What can I do to make my partner happy?” rather than, “What should my partner do to make me happy?”  It is one of those mysteries of life – it seems like the more one takes, the more he or she will have.  But the very opposite is true; the more one gives in a sexual relationship, the more enjoyment he or she will experience.

Before Sex

The best sex starts hours before the actual sex act.  If you know your spouse’s love language, you have an advantage here.  If your spouse’s love language is acts of service, then you can do the dishes or fold the clothes.  If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, give him a back massage while he checks his email.  If your spouse’s love language is gifts, go buy her some sparkly earrings.  Quality time?  Go out to coffee together and talk about your week.  Words of affirmation?  Tell her what you love about her, or how proud you are of something she did recently.  All of this should happen the same day you will have sex, but quite a bit earlier.

Plenty of time

When it is time to have sex, make sure you have plenty of time.  Nobody wants it to be rushed.  This is especially important for women, and even more important as they get older.  Many post-menopausal women need at least 30 minutes of slow kissing and foreplay before she will be at all interested in sex.  Older men also may need a little more stimulation than younger men to achieve and maintain a sufficient erection for sex to work well.  You may want to go to bed early or clear the schedule for several hours to make sure the sex is not rushed.

Appearance, hygiene, and health are very important.  People who exercise regularly have better sex than people who are out of shape.  People with diabetes whose sugars are controlled perform better than people with high sugars.  It is good to work on your appearance so that your partner finds you attractive.  Everyone should take showers and brush their teeth before having sex.  We all look older with time, and you should not expect yourself or your partner to look younger than you are, but it is also a kindness to try to maintain some attractiveness for your partner.  One of the great mysteries of marriage is that couples who grow in emotional intimacy and love with age also can find each other more attractive with age, as they come to understand their partner’s inner beauty more.  

Setting

The setting is also very important.  The place should be comfortable and private, free from interruption.  This can be super challenging when there are young children around, or if you live in a small apartment.  Turn off your phones, wait until the kids are asleep, and go for it!  This can be a reason for dad to take the kids to the park and chase them around for 2 hours earlier in the day.

Stay away from pornography.  Partners who are looking at porn will have unrealistic expectations of their real partners. 

Things to avoid

Don’t cheat on your spouse.  It isn’t worth it.  Actually work out your problems; you will be glad you did – five years from now.

People often feel like they are supposed to do something exotic to make sex “good.”  This is fine if both parties want it, but often regular old-fashioned garden variety sex is simpler and highly satisfying if the couple does it well.

Working towards great sex!

Sometimes the problem is more about a problem in the relationship.  If people do not like each other, they will not have great sex.  All couples need couples counseling at some point in their relationship, and we highly recommend seeking help if that is your situation.

If you are having sexual problems, please feel free to talk with us about it at Healing Grove!  We love helping couples solve their problems, and finding more satisfying sex lives together.